The incomparable Maya Angelou said it best, ‘when we know better, we do better.’

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about an upcoming trip to Brazil…the excitement to see dear friends; fireside, guitar-accompanied, sing-alongs on the beach under an expansive sky of moon and stars; the freshly made juice from the fruit of the Caju; hearing Portuguese all around me (bliss!); introducing my loved ones to each other; fresh mangoes; the ocean breeze on my salty-wet hair and face; a cold beer in hand with my toes nestled in the perfectly white sand - I mean, the list is glorious and nearly endless…but, this list - in my head - has also included some trepidation about wearing a Brazilian bikini again at 45 vs. 19. I’ve said to friends, it feels like going to my 30 year high school reunion nearly naked :O LOL

Yesterday, as my #tbt post on my personal Instagram stories, I shared a picture taken of me c. 1993 on a trip to Fernando de Noronha with friends. My caption on the photo read: “Headed back to Noronha next year & I vow to be ‘shoot-ready!’ I posted and carried on with my day…but, in the back of my mind I felt unsettled with my post. Then, laying in bed after a long, full day, I realized that my unease was actually me feeling hypocritical.

How many times have I spoken or written words akin to “you are beautiful NOW”? And I have meant it genuinely and wholeheartedly every.damned.time! I love that we come in all shapes and sizes…I love that we all have our own journeys that show up in our scars, rolls, eyes…I love when a woman, despite feeling vulnerable, allows me the honour of holding up a mirror - so to speak - so that she may see what we all see…I love encouraging us, as a society, to stop equating beauty with air-brushed, unrealistic, magazine cover ‘perfection’…and, I’m cognizant that we don’t ever know what tomorrow will bring and so we should all be seizing and celebrating the day, this day, everyday! …and, yet, here I was feeling - and advertising - that I need to somehow drop 30 years of life to be ‘shoot ready’. Bleh. This is really hard to admit, and harder to admit ‘out loud’.

After some soul searching this morning I opted to - rather than delete the post and be left feeling regret or shame - edit the caption to ‘strong and healthy!’, and to own that I too am a work in progress - body and mind. The fact is that over the last 5 or 6 years I’ve abandoned many/most of the healthy lifestyle habits I’d adopted - in 2011 I was in the best shape I’ve ever been in…life got messy and I gave up on myself a little (not to mention struggled with some disruptive health stuff). BUT, today is a new day and ‘when we know better, we do better’; therefore - just like the accomplished bookkeeper in debt, or the overweight fitness expert, or the doctor who smokes - I can believe passionately in what I advocate —> that you are beautiful, today, just as you are, while also acknowledging that I need to personally work on believing this of myself too.

I still intend to continue creating a healthier lifestyle for myself because I know I feel good when I’m eating well, getting enough sleep, drinking more water than wine, and exercising…AND of course donning an itsy-bitsy bikini is good motivation ;) , and I also know - and anyone around me can attest - that I’ve never NOT worn a bikini, ‘cause —> life’s short, wear the bikini! :)

So…onward toward being as genuinely kind & compassionate with myself as I am toward others and my apologies for not walking the talk. I’m learning and grateful for the lessons.

xo Lori

PS my chosen word for 2019 is ‘discipline’, a word for me to create intention around…this post has helped me see that it is all too easy to allow it to be a hammer instead of a cheerleader. More than WHAT we say to ourselves, it matters HOW we say it… I’m going to actively work on demanding better of my inner voice and I hope you will too!