When our daughter was three she asked why her dad and brother got to use the ‘machine’ (clippers 😉) to cut their hair but she didn’t.  I explained that when we use the clippers it makes our hair really short and that it takes time for our hair to grow back but, if she was okay with that, we could absolutely cut her hair with the ‘machine’.  She wanted to, we helped her, and she beamed at the opportunity to have that freedom and control over her own hair.  At her next ballet class that week another mom looked at her aghast and asked, ‘what happened to your hair?’.  I smiled, explained, and offered, ‘she’s so beautiful with any haircut!’, to which the other mom replied, ‘but why would you do that to her?!’  #sigh

Our son has had buzz cuts and he’s also had hair that was long enough for him to donate 18” to Angel Hair for Kids (a non-profit who makes wigs for kids facing disease and treatment related hair loss)…and none of it has been without commentary from people both inside and out of our circle.

From the very beginning, as a mom, I’ve encouraged the kids to have any haircut or style they wanted…I believe it’s a beautiful way for them to express themselves, exert control over their own bodies, and to experiment…it’s something they can do for themselves that harms NO ONE. 

However, while I have been so easily & genuinely adamant about this freedom of expression when talking to & about others, I have simultaneously been judging myself against what society deems beautiful.  I’ve wished my hair was thicker, longer, fuller, darker, curlier... I have waffled between what I want and what I think society seemingly wants. I dare say I don’t believe I’m alone in this…it is, after all, a multi-billion dollar industry and we are bombarded with what is considered “beautiful”, “sexy”, “desirable” on the daily —>  on tv, in magazines, in our families, at church, at school, at work, on the street.………………………

When Mom first noticed clumps of hair on the shower floor, as she underwent chemo, she cried.  And I cried with her.  She was sad to have always had such fine hair, and so she’d spent her life working hard to curl it and spray it in place….every.single.day.  While her hair didn’t bring her joy, it was HERS and it acted, I believe, as a comfort to her…it was like the classic red lipstick she always wore – her armour, and maybe mask, as she went out into the judgmental world. 

I’ve sadly been around too many women (and men) who have had to deal with losing their hair against their wishes to disease and treatment.  My empathy for them has always been profound (having to fight for their lives while also losing what clearly felt a part of their outward identities)…I’ve wondered how hard it must be to have that aspect of how we perceive we are ‘seen’ and how we wish to be seen taken away without any choice in the matter. Subconsciously and sometimes consciously, while cheering these beautiful humans on, I’ve thought, ‘I wonder how I would feel if it were me?’  This became a very conscious thought earlier this year, when a client and friend lost her hair to chemo, and it’s been percolating in the background of my thoughts since.  In March, as the family was cooking dinner together (thanks to quarantine we cook together often…a silver lining), I told them that I’d been thinking of shaving my head…I explained that I both wanted to have an even deeper understanding & more authentic empathy for my clients and loved ones AND I also wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to choose something outside of the constructed societal ideals. They were immediately supportive, even excited about it, and the full circle was clear when my daughter said, ‘you’d be beautiful with any haircut’ and my son said, ‘it’s only hair, it’ll grow back.’ ⭕️

This line, from Mary Oliver’s poem The Summer Day, has long resonated with me:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

While I feel like I have very few answers in this life, I know that I hope & plan to be as vulnerable, and open, and free, and authentic as I can manage to be…for myself and also so that I might be a mirror for another who is also hoping for the same.  Together, failing often but always trying. 🙏🏼

Does it feel hard to post this: Yes.

Is it liberating: HELL YES!

Audrey Hepburn said,

“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.”

DOUBLE HELL YES! 🙌

May each of us (including me) strive to be more open minded about what’s ‘beautiful’, ‘acceptable’, ‘appropriate’…after all, those are all totally subjective labels that mean nothing if we don’t give them power AND it is. just. hair.

Shout outs to KD, JM, and MJ…girlfriends…some of my most ardent ‘courage champions’ in this life. I love you.

Let us all be interested in & empathic toward one another’s journeys.

Keep safe & keep well, friends.

xo Lori

PS it is not lost on me that as a white woman, of comfortable means, in North America, I can pretty easily make this change… my heart bleeds for each person out there who doesn’t feel this freedom or is having to truly ‘buck the system’ to have the hair THEY choose to have…it’s an expression and the oppression of it is both nonsensical and cruel.